ZingJ

• In my 20s, I thrived in several open relationships, but now, I'm in a monogamous marriage. 
• My open relationships taught me that I need to invest in people outside of my primary partner.
• I also learned how to ensure my partner and I have quality time together. 

I got married three months ago. Part of me thought I'd never make it to that traditional milestone: rings on our fingers, rows of guests separated into two sides, fancy shoes, and a verbal contract that told the state we were now legally and financially entwined.

Nonetheless, it happened. I met my partner offline at a writing retreat in the English countryside, and it quickly escalated from a vacation flirtation to a crucial lifeboat for both of us when the pandemic struck. After a couple of years of surviving and then thriving, we decided to tie the knot. 

This was, however, my first monogamous relationship in a while — and I'd attribute no small part of this relationship's success to my more open, fluid arrangements that came before it.

In my early 20s, I started dating someone already in a relationship

A year or two after a serious breakup, I went on a spontaneous movie date with a friend. That movie date became something more serious even though she was already in a relationship — an open one, where both parties were free to see other people and find their happiness in a variety of places. 

I became a second-order priority to her quite lovely boyfriend, which suited me just fine. I met her boyfriend, saw her when our schedules lined up, and had the freedom to continue pursuing other romantic connections. While we eventually tied things up on the romantic side, she remains a close friend today — one whom my current partner has also come to adore.

I'd been involved in other open arrangements during my time at university, and I easily took to the idea of non-possessive, non-jealous attachments. Early on, I learned that showing affection for one person doesn't diminish the feelings felt for another. I felt that other romantic interests don't need to be rivals or competitors; they were simply additional sources of joy for the people they care about.

While I'm firmly back in the monogamy seat these days, I'm aware of just how formative these more open arrangements were for me, and how much they taught me about being a good partner — even a solo one.

My past open relationships taught me that I need to invest in people outside of my primary partner

If my involvement in open relationships taught me anything, it's that I deserve the time to enrich various relationships in my life — whether romantic or otherwise. When I was in open relationships, this meant I could invest in dating other people, but the logic still applies to my monogamous marriage. Even though I'm no longer dating other people, I still grow other connections and have an intimate, expansive social life beyond my spouse. 

My partner likes to visit artist friends and travels abroad to see scattered connections. As for me, I like to play Dungeons & Dragons on Sunday afternoons with old friends, and I like having the chance to disconnect from our usual couple's routine. 

We both come back to our relationship with renewed vigor after getting to spend time with other people that matter to us, but it requires leaving room for other people to matter in the first place. 

Jealousy still comes up for us, but it's crucial that we don't let it limit the scope and size of the other's life.

But my open relationships taught me how to prioritize my partner and our quality time together

A key difficulty in open and polyamorous relationships is scheduling — finding slivers of time when you can connect with all your partners and ensure everyone's needs are met. Having to juggle multiple connections is a crash course in making your time with someone count and not taking their availability for granted.

That taught me to prioritize the quality time I have with my spouse. Even though we are still fairly new to marriage, it's easy to fall into inertia with a live-in partner. We technically spend the majority of our time together, so it's easy to lapse into relationship admin and meal prep rather than quality one-on-one experiences. 

To ensure quality time together, we have implemented a back-and-forth date arrangement where we take turns surprising each other with weekly evening plans.

I also learned that no relationship should fit perfectly into a stereotypical box 

My open relationships showed me that, for me, all relationships are richer when they aren't aggressively compartmentalized into boxes. It's easy for couples to see each other as fitting quite specific, culturally defined roles. 

But since my open relationships were outside of the norm, I can now view my spouse as their own person, and our relationship can evolve around our unique, ever-changing needs.

As happy as I am now, I know that the lessons I learned from open relationships — around prioritizing each other and ensuring we're able to prioritize others as well — are a big part of why we're having a successful marriage now.

Watch:

ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7o8HSoqWeq6Oeu7S1w56pZ5ufonywvMSnZKudnJbBqrvNrJ%2BiqKNiu7DDjKKkZqWfo7yorcyorKxlnZa%2Fs7XAoJxmamBngG6D